Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
im six kinds of drunk right now
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
