sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
