stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
