im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
