1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Randomize
