12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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