I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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