God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Randomize
