And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
