I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Randomize
