My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Randomize
