I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
