I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
