well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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