I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I wish there were birth control emojis
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
