So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
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