Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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