just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
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