I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
