i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
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