do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
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He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
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You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
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