I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
