So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
