u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
