I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
