I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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