Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
