this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
