Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
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