oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
