peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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