Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Randomize
