apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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