Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
