theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
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She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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