On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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