I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
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I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
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I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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