I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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