TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
