All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
