u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
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