You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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