Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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