Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
