I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
