bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
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Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
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I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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