there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
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Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
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He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
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