Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Randomize
