chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
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I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
whose ass print is on the piano?
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I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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