sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
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