you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I wish you could order shots online.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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