I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
