my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
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