The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
