you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
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You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
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She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
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