i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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