my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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