I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
