Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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